Dear Ms. Davis,
Our editorial team received news of your Apology Tour with the particular blend of alarm and morbid curiosity that only you can inspire, given our history—namely, the never-published review of Proof: The Musical, which we declined to run after your involvement in the editorial process violated our code of ethics.
As you know from your years of groundbreaking roles, interviews, and public appearances, critics and creatives must navigate a delicate dance. When the curtain falls, we all want to see great work and artists succeed and be celebrated.
But in no uncertain terms, can we condone an actor’s brazen attempt to influence a critic’s response to a particular performance. Such was the case with your star turn in Proof: The Musical.
In the spirit of your Apology Tour, we feel compelled to disclose the personal campaign you waged to secure positive notices for what we had already deemed “the performance of the decade.”
An extensive internal investigation identified you as the source of multiple packages and letters sent to our administrative office, signed “The Protractor Ghost.” With the testimony of your then personal assistant, who will remain unnamed to protect their current position as a lead producer on several Broadway shows, it became clear that you were the sender of these correspondences.
1 Minute Critic also incurred the extensive cost of lab testing of the white powdery substance included in one such mailing, as well as the Critical Incident Stress Management intervention for our staff.
Given your history, it wasn’t unreasonable to assume anthrax or cocaine. Only later did we discover it was Sweet’N Low from a self-tape audition for a non-union production of 9 to 5, for which you intended to scab to play the gender-swapped role of Franklin Hart, Jr. The investigation also revealed that the protractor set piece responsible for your fatal-adjacent injury was, in fact, made of lightweight EPS foam—the stuff of packing peanuts, not blunt force trauma. But we digress.
We wish you nothing but the best on your return to the stage, and hope this opportunity opens doors for the true talent often eclipsed by your compulsive desire for the spotlight.
With deep respect,
The Editorial Board
1 Minute Critic
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